My wife and I had a conversation over lunch recently with another couple. They have also been married to each other for a very long time.
As we’re all expats here in France, we discussed French culture, the ups and downs of life abroad, the recent elections in France and the upcoming elections in the states. Talk then turned to the fundamentals of a happy, enduring marriage. We covered the Usual Suspects: the initial spark, communication, flexibility, and finally…money.
Surprisingly, we all felt that this was an absolute. Not in the sense of marrying because they had money or the potential to earn money (which is not very Old Money), but in the sense of both people in a marriage having the same ideas about how money is spent and saved, and what it is used for.
In the most basic terms, our considered, experienced opinion was that a Saver can only be happily married for an extended period to another Saver, and a Spender can only be happily married to another Spender.
If one partner in a marriage wants to save and invest money, increase the couple’s net worth, and secure their financial future, and the other partner wants to spend money on consumer items and enjoy luxuries in the present, the odds for a happy marriage–or even one that will exist in 5 years–are slim.
Of course, exceptions can be found: the hardworking billionaire who marries the extravagant social climber comes to mind. I’ve witnessed these relationships. They require an enormous amount of patience (somebody works a lot, and somebody spends a lot, and those two things can wear on both somebody’s). They also require an enormous amount of resources: the spending can’t have any effect on the financial condition of the couple. If it does, stress and resentment build, and cracks in the marriage appear.
This mismatch also pushes definitive roles on each partner: breadwinner and homebody, most often, and it takes a very aware and highly evolved couple to manage the power dynamic that creeps in when one partner is making most or all of the money. They must both be involved with how the money is spent, saved, invested, and used, and how much debt or non-essential consumption is acceptable. And even the non-earning spouse must have a voice. Many times it’s that partner who manages the money, invests it, and grows it.
I don’t know many married couples who keep their finances separate and do a monthly split of expenses, like roommates. If a Saver and a Spender opt for this arrangement, inevitably there will come a moment in time in which the Spender has an emergency…and no cash. The Awkward Conversation soon follows: Can you loan me or give me the money? Why should I? You’ve spent everything you’ve earned. I thought you loved me. I do, but you should have thought about this possibility before you bought all that stuff that you don’t need and can’t afford.
Here again, resentment and stress rear their ugly heads.
All of these scenarios are more complicated when children enter the mix. A new car? Or tuition for a private school? A fur coat? Or an educational, eye-opening trip to Europe for the kids?
A marriage between a Saver and a Spender just doesn’t work, in my opinion. You must be on the same page with your attitudes toward money if you’re going to enjoy a happy, productive relationship. You’ll have enough challenges as it is deciding on the amount you’re going to save each week, what you’re going to invest in, how much you’re going to put down on a house, and how you’re going to handle the relatives who come asking for a loan or a handout.
If you’re young and dating, my advice is to have this conversation early in the courtship. It make shock your love interest. Or it may make you appear to be a serious, thoughtful person.
Either way, there is no future in developing feelings for someone who does not share your financial philosophy or your financial habits. It is a road that ends in heartache, sooner or later.
That sounds harsh, but I’d rather you think me cold now than wonder later why I didn’t say anything about this tremendously important part of relationships and marriage.
For more details and insights, you can always read The Old Money Guide To Marriage.
Good luck, young lovers, and married couples, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
- BGT
True confessions time: it took me years to move from being a spender to being a saver. Now that I’m a saver and investor, my guy and I get on much better. I’d like to see young couples spend more time, money, and energy preparing for marriage, and a little less on getting ready for the wedding.
I’m glad to see this post; this is an important topic. I’ve seen marriages where attitudes about saving and spending clashed. In my experience it doesn’t end well. The arrangement that seems to work best is where the non-earning (or lower earning) spouse is even more frugal than the earning (or higher earing) spouse. From what I’ve seen, those are almost always happy, stable marriages. I’ve heard that marriage counselors and therapists say that most relationship problems in a marriage have their root in conflicts over money and sex. If the partners have compatible views on those subjects, everything else usually falls into place. The financial aspect in particular should be talked about honestly and experienced together before the decision to wed is made. Thank you for this post.
The timing of this post is perfect. I just celebrated another Anniversary with my wife and there are several essential truths I have discovered after all of our years of marriage.
1. You must share accounts. Splitting finances means splitting up eventually.
2. You must be the same classification at all times together. Two spenders or two savers. If anyone changes from spender to saver or vice versa, they must do so as a team.
3. The adoption of Old Money Values ensures that finances are prioritized according with values. Thinking about a future as a team leads to better a better outcome and less financial strain.
I think these three principles are key highlights to a successful, lasting marriage.
Dario,
I came here to write exactly this. I am celebrating my fifth anniversary with my wife this year and we married as a spender (myself) and a saver (her). Here are what we’ve learned to be happily and financially married:
1. Finances MUST be transparent, shared, and you both MUST be educated about personal finances. Educated means understanding how interest rates work, how much you should save and invest, and a basic understanding of investment products.
2. A saver should learn how to spend and a spender should learn how to save. I’m not going to be absolutist about this point: if you don’t know how to enjoy the finer things in life, you run the risk of becoming an Ebenezer, and if you don’t know how to save, well, you’ll be forced to sooner rather than later. A good rule of thumb for both philosophies to practice (once you’ve managed to accurately track monthly expenses and income) is the 2X rule, which I learned from my favorite personal finance book: Just Keep Buying. The rule goes something like this: every “splurge” requires an equal amount deposited into a savings or investment account. So if I want that beautiful Martin D-28 guitar I’ve had my eyes on for a painful $3000, I would have to deposit $3000 into our SHARED savings account or a Roth IRA or equivalent. If you can’t afford the second part of that, then you can’t afford the “splurge.” This leads to point #3, which might be the most important point of this list.
3. Have a sit down with your spouse and figure out your VALUES. I think you’ll be surprised that savers do have an urge to splurge when you learn what’s most important to them. For my wife and me, health and education are #1 and #2. We decided to invest in trainers and nutritionist, which has paid considerable dividends to our health. My wife just finished an Ivy League graduate degree in International Policy, which has opened new doors for her career and created some incredible relationships that wouldn’t have been possible without it.
I know we’re still young and naive but I hope these points echo with the community and curious to hear everyone else’s thoughts and experiences.
Bryce
Something I’ve found over my 20 years of marriage, during which finances have sometimes been a topic of…stressful discussion, is that one person’s sincere investment (in improving health or other aspects of quality of life, in being able to reduce expenses in another area later, etc.) can easily be seen as the other person’s weird splurge – and getting on the same page about that takes time and understanding and a willingness to admit when you were wrong.
I was wrong about the laser printer (so many printing-related headaches saved for those times when hard copies are important, and so many past failures of the old cheap ink jets); my husband was wrong about upgrading the pots and pans to All-Clad (not only have they been more durable, using them correctly also seems to improve the quality and taste of the food). It happens!