T-shirts, cargo pants and flip-flops seem to dominate the wardrobe of many young (and not so young) people these days. Rather than be judgmental, I try to adopt a philosophical attitude toward the big C, which for me is not Cancer, but Casual.
I’m not sure what I can do about the T-shirts and cargo pants phenomenon, but I tell myself that most people simply do not understand the rich historical relationship that exists between God, feet, and shoes. If they did, they would certainly wear proper shoes.
So, in order to clarify this rich and vital history and hopefully enlighten and encourage everyone out there to embrace credible footwear, I’ll share the following story.
When God first set out to design man and woman, He started at the top, enthusiastically, with the head. He put an enormous amount of thought into the functionality and form of it.
Our brain, which houses our (alleged) intelligence, is located here. Our vision, hearing, taste, and smell come from our eyes, ears, mouth, and nose, all located in our head. Our mouth also provides us the ability to speak. Our nose and mouth allow us to breathe. It is a true miracle of efficiency. Inspired.
God then designed our torso. The lungs and the heart, critical for life-giving oxygen to be processed and blood flow. The digestive processes carried out by our stomach and intestines, again, vital. Kidneys, pancreas, liver, check. The sex organs we don’t really need to discuss, but their significance requires mention. God knew how important these things were, and He was masterful in their craftsmanship.
Then, He went to the arms. Shoulders that rotate…perfect. Elbows bend…very handy. Wrists that rotate…again perfect. Thumb and fingers that provide key grip…separates us from other primates. So that’s important. So far, so good.
Now, to the lower body. Hips, so the legs can rotate…love it. Knees bend, okay, just like the elbows, not very original, but symmetrical, which is good. Ankles that rotate…and by now, God is, in my humble opinion, growing just a little weary of His own creative genius, or He’s distracted, or maybe He’s had a vision about all the trouble we as humans are going to create in the world and He’s having second thoughts. I don’t pretend to know His thoughts. I just know this history, which I’m sharing with you.
He gets down to the feet, and He just says something like, “Okay, we got ten fingers, so we’ll go with ten toes and be done with it.” And he kind of slaps them on and sends us on our merry way.
And that’s why most people’s feet are ugly. That’s why, almost immediately, shoes were created. Of course, it was cold and the ground was rocky and hard to walk on, but, mostly, shoes were an aesthetic consideration born out of no one wanting to really see another person’s feet.
There are, of course, exceptions. One in a hundred thousand women have pretty feet. They are foot models, and you see their feet in magazine ads. The woman you fall in love with has pretty feet, but they may only be pretty to you. I don’t know why. It’s simply true. There are no men. Anywhere on earth. With pretty feet. Not that I’ve looked. But sometimes they’re just right there and it’s awful.
This is why wearing flip-flops is simply contrary to all spiritual, natural, and man-made laws. We can see your feet. Another perfectly logical reason, presented to me by a niece of mine, is that flip-flops dramatically reduce one’s ability to fight or escape during a Zombie Apocalypse. Which I’d never thought of.
So, now that the history of God, feet, and shoes has been articulated and shared, I think we can all get on board with wearing real, grown-up shoes.
I hope you’ll pass this information on to your friends, family, and even perfect strangers who are in need of it. We desperately need to shoe the planet.