My apologies for the extended absence.
My non-writing life has been quite a mixed bag recently, and my work has suffered as a result.
But the issues have all been resolved, and a somewhat more structured work schedule can now resume.
Earlier this year, I received an email from a young lady. She had been very fortunate to receive a substantial inheritance from a family member. As a recent college graduate, she already had a fairly good, entry level job in an industry she liked. She had modest student loan debt to address, and no credit card debt. Most of her family members were college educated and self-sufficient.
She had no one to ‘take care of’, or be financially responsible for. She had a moment to simply enjoy her new-found financial independence, consider her options, and choose what to do next with her life.
Or so she thought. She made the mistake of revealing the details of her inheritance to family members. Initially, all were quite surprised and verbally supportive.
Gradually, however, over the weeks that followed, subtle changes occurred. Some family members became distant emotionally and aloof in conversation.
At family gatherings, other family members arrived with guests of their own: a charming investment advisor eager to help, a passionate restauranteur seeking investors, chatty classmates of teenage family members who mentioned that they had always dreamed of taking a European vacation together…with their ‘favorite aunt’.
The young woman in question had read The Old Money Book, and remembered the Introduction. This was where I encouraged anyone who inherited money to not share that news, exciting as it may be, with friends. I should have specifically mentioned family members, too, I guess.
The difficult part of this is that most people think they can trust their family members. They think that their family members will be happy for them. They think that their family will encourage and support them, not come at them with an agenda.
Sadly, when substantial amounts of money enter the picture, that’s not always the case. Desires morph into needs. Expectations are born and grow quickly. The idea that ‘we’ve made it now’ takes hold when in reality it’s only one family member who has enjoyed a financial windfall.
When these expectations are not met, resentment builds. Any change in behavior by the newly minted relative is seen through the lens of financial inequality.
It is, in short, a minefield.
The hard advice I repeatedly give is this: when you receive a financial windfall, either from selling a business, hitting it big in your profession, or receiving an inheritance, you are not obligated to share anything with anybody. (Except maybe lawyers, agents, the tax man, and your spouse.)
And you would be wise not to do anything at all with the money for at least 6 months.
Putting this timeframe on it does two really important things: it gives you a much-needed period of adjustment; it gives you time to assess your options and responsibilities (taxes, investments, etc.); and it puts up a firewall between your stack of cash and those who might come at you with ’emergencies’, great ideas, and guilt-trips that only cash can put to rest.
It will also offer you a moment to observe how people treat you now. Now that you’re rich.
So if you can’t keep your windfall a secret, at least you can keep the hassles at arm’s length for a period of time. “It sounds like a great investment idea, but I’m not making any decisions with the inheritance until the end of the year.” “I wish I could help, but I’ve put the entire amount in a 12 month CD.”
You get the idea. And while I’m being hard and ruthless about this subject, do not feel obligated to respond to those who inquire about your windfall. As an OMG I know once quipped, “If they’re bold enough to ask [about my wealth], I’m happy to tell them it’s none of their damn business.”
Maybe be a little more diplomatic. Or not.
A silver lining: the young woman in question is now much closer to her cousin, the black sheep of the family, who congratulated her on the inheritance and asked her for nothing. When she related tales of the odd behavior she’d experienced with other family members, he put a big arm around her shoulders and kissed her on the head.
“Good luck with that s–t,” he chuckled.
Indeed.
- BGT
Ugh, my heart dropped into my stomach ehen I read this, Byron. I hope she stands firm. People are happy to help you spend your money. But rarely, if ever, do they give back. It is fascinating to see what comes out of the woodwork. The entitlement is astonishing. She may even wish to try going no contact for a period of time, especially with those family members who persist in keeping their hands out. I wish her well.
Such eye-opening insight from this entry. The thought of family and entitlement in the same sentence versus support of or from family is alarming.
Very good advice, Byron. Very good.
As someone once said to me, when other people think or know you have money, they have plans for that money. And you are not part of those plans.
I keep my bank balance, and what I spend to myself. I don’t discuss money, or worth with anyone. When I make a substantial purchase, only my husband and son are in the loop. The rest of the family and outside world are not. It’s much easier that way, family can’t ask if they don’t know what you have. I’ve been badly burned by helping out family in the past. Never again…..
When you got something good going keep it close to the vest.
People that would make such requests to the young lady have no respect for money or themselves. Over the years I have seen people I know burn through money they inherited. Live on a budget, increase your net worth monthly by strategically investing or saving money, live in a modest but well-kept house (a lot of those Mc Mansion end up having rooms rented out or go into disarray because the owners couldn’t afford them, in the old money neighborhoods you see much happier people with low-key modest houses), keep quiet and finally enjoy the good life of family and friends.