One of the bigger challenges for those of us not raised by wolves is interacting with people who were.
Like many of you, I was raised to be polite. To have an awareness of others and to be courteous whenever possible.
I habitually open doors for people, usually ladies, but sometimes elderly men or people with an armful of packages. If someone is purchasing two items and I am purchasing twenty, I encourage them to go ahead of me in the grocery checkout line. I offer my seat on the metro to anyone who seems weary or a little unstable on their feet.
Like many of you, I see this behavior as not only socially appropriate, but as a baseline for being human. While I hate the phrase ‘It’s the least I can do,’ the truth is that most courtesies require little effort and cost us nothing.
Sadly, not all people were raised as well. Not all people choose to be polite in daily life. And as much as I try to distance myself from them, I end up inevitably sharing the same sidewalk, sitting in the same cafe, and riding on the same train as The Barbarians.
You feel my pain, I know. But what can we do?
Well, I have a few thoughts.
First, if at all possible, ignore them. Not acknowledging, responding to, or reacting to bad behavior is a good first step. Especially if someone is sitting three feet from you. In Paris, I have a veritable buffet of effortlessly dismissive options: If the rude people speak French, I can pretend I don’t. If the rude people speak English, I can pretend I don’t. I can remain silent and simply stare at The Barbarians with a poker face. I can pretend they are invisible. All of these are a first line of defense.
Second, offer up the possibility of a misunderstanding. Certainly the Barbarian in question was not intentionally being rude. Give the great unwashed the benefit of the doubt. Don’t overreact. People make mistakes or ‘space out’ or have other serious concerns on their minds which can overshadow their normally polite behavior. Be considerate in your effort to correct.
You might start with, ‘I’m not sure, but I think the couple standing next to you were here first.’ Of course you’re sure. It’s obvious, but introducing the possibility of a misunderstanding, as opposed to assessing blame from the start, is a diplomatic way to create awareness and hopefully moderate bad behavior.
Third, just call a spade a spade. If someone is actively, assertively, and brazenly out of line with their behavior, feel free to say, ‘That’s rude,’ or ‘That’s not very polite.’ Don’t raise your voice. Don’t elaborate. Don’t confront the Barbarian physically. Just call the behavior out for what it is. Often, being confronted about one’s inconsiderate behavior is enough to check it, even as the guilty party denies or tries to justify their behavior.
Sometimes the confrontation is not effective, and the rudeness only escalates. If this happens, don’t argue with The Barbarian. Simply say, ‘I think our conversation is over.’ And walk away.
A word of caution: if there’s alcohol involved and the Barbarian is intoxicated, don’t say anything. Just walk away if they’re rude. Or speak to the host of the event, the manager of the establishment, or someone in authority. It’s their job to handle rude people. Let them deal with it.
What we can’t do is just let bad behavior run rampant. What we must do is set an example. We must hold the line.
- BGT
As it happens, just yesterday I witnessed an act of extreme rudeness although it was not directed at me. I consoled myself with the thought that life must be very difficult for that person if that’s the way they habitually act. I know, it’s a little petty, but it made me feel slightly better.
Brilliant and humorous 😊 Thank you for this bright shining light of encouragement! Even in the most gritty scenarios we can still set a good example.
Wonderful suggestions! I find that if I can avoid expressing any angry, disdainful, accusatory, or even hateful tones (and I would be lying if I said I’ve never done so) the reception of these suggestions is received much better!
Just fabulous, Byron. Thank you. When single I was known to challenge such people in public, but with two children counting on me, it is not a wise path to choose. Was on a plane recently, sitting on the left aisle seat. To my right were: one man on the aisle who was doing a slow burn but afraid to say something to the entitled jerk in the middle seat next to him who was talking on facetime, and, of all things, to a person not wearing a shirt. Either that or he was watching a video. But the entire time we sat on the tarmac, this was happening. Observers were surely intimidated (at best) to say something to him because, well, first, it’s 2025, and, second, he was large and dressed like a person who could not care less what others thought: torn, no, ripped jeans, graphic T shirt, high top sneakers, and clearly ignoring the inconvenience he was causing others.
What was it that Michelle Obama said ?
‘ When they go low……we go high .’
Except they didn’t. In fact, they went lower and continue to do so today.
Chris, this really isn’t the kind of comment we welcome here. Debate is healthy. Snark is not. Thanks. – BGT
I seem to encounter more Barbarians these days. The wise and courteous advice offered in this post is most appreciated.
So true but nowadays you’ll get shot saying Rude…
I know someone who served an apprenticeship as a diesel engine mechanic and has fixed things other people have broken. One day he said something seemingly obvious to me but which has always stuck. He said that any machine one operates is an extension of one’s self.
He went on to say that a person can be as nice as nine pence, politically correct around the water cooler and in the office but when that same person gets into their car and on to the freeway to go home, that is when the ‘real’ person comes out. An observer can see it in their road behaviour and courtesy. Or lack thereof.
He went further and said that if one wants to find out, broadly speaking, what a city or society’s behaviour and real manners are like, fly to one of their cities, hire a car and drive into town. You will soon find out.
I think of what he said every time I observe another motorist or even a cyclist’s behaviour. Whether I am behind the wheel myself, on a bicycle or on foot. I ‘see’ their real level of manners and courtesy. In motion, so to speak.
Take a moment to observe and then think about this.