In The Old Money Book, I offer a philosophy for the accumulation and preservation of wealth as well as a shot at an overall quality of life. But let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that you don’t have time to read the book.
That’s fine, completely understandable. Even though many of you–a larger percentage than you might imagine–will inherit a substantial amount of money at least once during your lifetime, there’s no reason to read a book that can prepare you for that.
So, in the spirit of getting things done efficiently and effectively, here are some suggestions that will send you in the other direction in a hurry. No reason to dilly-dally about, as my older relatives used to say. Below is a detailed map, with options, on how to go through your money like water through a paper bag.
So, without further adieu, How To Squander a Fortune:
When you receive your inheritance, immediately tell everyone about it. Don’t leave out any details, including who it came from and how much you got and what you’re going to do now that you can tell The Man to shove it.
Don’t hesitate: start spending now before you have any idea about your tax liability or any time to adjust to your new situation.
Rent a limousine. Pound a few drinks down, regardless of time of day. If so-called friends can’t join you in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, degrade them loudly and question their place in your life as you “move to the next level.”
Go to the most expensive boutiques in town and pay retail for the latest fashions. Buy nothing that will not be out of style in 12 months. You’re rich now. It’s okay to look ridiculous. You can buy all new clothes next year.
Try to solve all of your emotional problems by spending money and buying things.
Don’t think too much during the process.
Believe the flattery.
Don’t bother loaning money to friends and family: just give it to them. “Love you, man!”
Make financial decisions quickly without too much information.
Work diligently to create an unsustainable lifestyle for yourself as quickly as possible. A big house is a good start.
If it sounds too good to be true, invest heavily.
Know that, even though no one else has been able to do it, you can handle the drugs and still function.
Don’t bother keeping your job or worrying about an income. You’ve got money!
Don’t even think about making a budget. Act like the money will last forever, even if you’ve done nothing to make that even a remote possibility.
Take the Low Road
Go to a club. Not a country club or a private club with other affluent members. Go to a club where employees of said club disrobe professionally.
Introduce yourself to a random employee whose name may be Velvet, Amber, Tiffany, Sapphire, Desiree, or a derivative thereof. Fall in love. “Make it rain.” Be secure in the knowledge that she has the birth control situation completely under control. Party on in a private room.
If someone at said club “disses” you, start a fight with them. Get arrested. Spend the night in jail to “keep it real.” Retain a criminal defense attorney. If you can be in contempt of court, by all means do so. Judges love that. Pay fines. Pay legal fees.
Expect a letter from the attorney of chosen employee of said club within months. Pay to support “baby-momma” as she cannot work professionally while pregnant. After the birth of your child, pay child support for next 18 years.
Take the High Road
Buy a yacht. Nothing attracts sincere, down-to-earth friends like a floating money pit that screams, “Sucker.”
Buy a vineyard. Bonus if it’s in a foreign country.
Open a restaurant. This way, you can serve the wine from your own vineyard in your own restaurant. Genius! Let your friends and family eat for free all the time. Hold court at the corner table. Talk loudly. Did we mention that you should also hire your friends?
Monaco, baby! Visit the casino and go big or go home.
Buy real estate in a foreign country.
Insult a law enforcement officer in a foreign country.
Try to buy and use illegal drugs in a foreign country, with a prostitute if possible.
West Coast Option
Start a record label. Bonus if you’re boyfriend is lead singer in a band.
Find out what an image consultant is and hire one. Pay them in advance.
Ferrari. Cash, right off the showroom floor.
Cosmetic surgery. Lots of it, regardless of your age.
Rent a house on the beach for a few months.
Hang out with the children of movie stars.
Season tickets. Court side. Next to Jack.
Expect to be broke and miserable in about 6 months.
Try to remember the good times.